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Title: Toxic Parents : Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward ISBN: 0-553-38140-7 Publisher: Bantam Pub. Date: 02 January, 2002 Format: Paperback Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $13.95 |
Average Customer Rating: 4.57 (68 reviews)
Rating: 2
Summary: Proceed with caution
Comment: I picked this book up from a used book store mostly because, as as someone who does family support work and has worked with abused children, I felt compelled to read it - the book is considered a classic. It hasn't, at least to me, stood the test of time. It may still be worth reading for professionals just on the grounds I stated - because of the book's status as a classic, but I wouldn't reccommend it for people who are still working through abuse issues.
First, the strengths of the book. Forward uses alot of vignettes to illustrate her points. This technique is helpful for readers because it demonstrates that, despite what some of her critics have suggested, she doesn't consider every parent who has ever raised his/her voice to a child to be a toxic parent. She does know what real abuse is, and she provides good definitions, including some good checklists, to help determine it. Some of her advice is very practical, such as the need for counselling, and the use of techniques such as role play and letter writing. The book is fast paced and easy to understand.
So why such a low grade? Forward is stuck on blaming parents for their mistakes. She wants to label all abusive parents as monsters, and many aren't. At times, Forward seems to have an understanding of family systems theory, but she then fails to utilize it to have some empathy for the conditions that created the abusive parents in the first place. I don't think her level of anger is particularly useful to victims. Anger can only get a person so far; eventually there must be healing. I also disagree, based on solid research, with her stance against forgiveness. Eventually, if victims don't forgive, they will remain under the control of the abuse/abuser. I don't think Forward really understands what forgiveness is - it has nothing to do with letting the abuser off the hook, or saying what they did was ok. To a lesser extent, I also disagree with Forward's assertion that confrontation is necessary in all cases. I think in some cases, just admitting to oneself what happened and acknowledging that you are not to blame is not only enough, it is the smartest, most productive course of action.
I realize that the majority of my criticisms of the book are based on my particular theoretical orientation as someone who works with children/families. Normally, I wouldn't necessarily take marks off in a rating based on that. The reason I've done so is because I think this book is marked toward people who are coming to grips with childhood abuse, and, depending upon where a person is in their process, I believe that Forward's approach could actually do damage. This is a book that, if it is to be read at all, should be read by therapists, counsellors, family support workers, child and youth care workers, and social workers should read, take what they consider to be of value, and use that information to help adults.
Rating: 5
Summary: a good read for many
Comment: Finally, someone who understands that there are other types of abuse besides physical and sexual -- and that they are just as damaging!
The first part of the book explores ways that parents can abuse their children. I found it helpful, because hearing examples and reading stories gives the reader a clear understanding of the difference between occasional parental mistakes and flat-out abuse/neglect. It also prevents the reader from descending into denial. One word of warning however: while not graphic, many of the stories are detailed enough to trigger. If this is an issue, I *strongly* recommend checking with a therapist before reading the book.
The second part of the book talks about practical ways to reverse one's emotional enmeshment with toxic parents. Dr. Forward recommends formal therapy in all cases, and states unequivocally that it is absolutely essential in certain situations. Readers should pay attention to this advice! Many of the solutions are not going to be pleasant.
The most refreshing solution included the blunt statement that forgiveness is not necessary. This is not to say that one should not let go of the past. Dr. Forward is saying that the traditional idea of "forgiveness" involves treating the situation as if it were minor and easily corrected. This devalidates the trauma. A story included in this section points out that this is not contrary to the Christian ideal of forgiveness -- God wants the abused to get better, too.
Dr. Forward also leads the reader through a series of exercises that helps the reader internalize the idea that while the abuse was not their fault, their response is completely a matter of their own control. The exercises are practical and useful.
My only complaint about this book is that there is no information, and only one brief mention, concerning situations of no contact between parents and abused children (when the parent relationship is still an issue, as it is in some). The book would be improved if that were included.
This book would be extraordinarily helpful at some point for everyone going through therapy to deal with childhood traumas. It might not be right early in the therapy program, but there will come a time when it is.
Rating: 5
Summary: Lived the imperfect life
Comment: Leanna Jackson, going to be a survivor,
This is an excellent book and speaks as though it is talking about my own past. It has helped me to understand and learn to deal with the wrongs that i endured, and to learn how to make it right within myself.
Also recommending: Nightmares Echo-because I was a child of sexual/child abuse and it spoke to me plainly. Lost Boy-Because I understood what he went through
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Title: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Donna Frazier ISBN: 0060928972 Publisher: Quill Pub. Date: 01 April, 1998 List Price(USD): $13.00 |
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Title: Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown ISBN: 1572242310 Publisher: New Harbinger Pubns Pub. Date: 30 March, 2001 List Price(USD): $14.95 |
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Title: If You Had Controlling Parents : How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth ISBN: 0060929324 Publisher: Quill Pub. Date: 01 October, 1999 List Price(USD): $14.00 |
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Title: Adult Children of Abusive Parents by M.F.C.C. M.A. Steven Farmer ISBN: 0345363884 Publisher: Ballantine Books Pub. Date: 14 April, 1990 List Price(USD): $13.95 |
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Title: Toxic In-Laws : Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward ISBN: 0060507853 Publisher: Quill Pub. Date: 15 October, 2002 List Price(USD): $12.95 |
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