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Title: When Your Kids Push Your Buttons : And What You Can Do About It by Bonnie Harris ISBN: 0-446-53015-8 Publisher: Warner Books Pub. Date: 17 April, 2003 Format: Hardcover Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $22.95 |
Average Customer Rating: 5 (9 reviews)
Rating: 5
Summary: When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
Comment: Becoming a mother had been my dream come true. So when my expectations of what this would be like were not met I became very frustrated and felt that I had failed as a mother and what was I thinking I am no good at this. I felt very alone in this plight of mine and looked at my children as problems that had to be solved. Mind you I had all good intentions and of course love my kids with all my heart which is why I knew I had to fix everything and make them into model citizens for there sake, or so I thought. What I learned from Bonnie's book, "When your kids Push Your Buttons" that was life changing for me was that it is not my job to fix everything or to solve everything for my kids. To me this was a revelation. Growing up I lived in a home where my mother was frequently in and out of hospitals sometimes for extended periods of time and my only sibling who was mentally and physically disabled required alot of attention. So my "job" was not to make waves and to smooth things over, trying to make everything all better, quite a monumental feat for a young girl. I just knew that my parents had enough to deal with so I better just be as good as I can. This fixing and solving things followed me into adult life and into motherhood, because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. So when I learned I didn't need to do that anymore and that it actually is better not to because they need to work things out to learn, a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt freed. My children are very capable of learning through experience how to do problem solving for themselves, sometimes with a little guidance from mom. I was constantly trying to make my three children happy all at once and this just is not possible, hence all the frustration I was feeling. This book is a must read for parents, it could change your life.
Rating: 5
Summary: I loved this book!
Comment: Finally, a parenting expert that speaks to parents like a best friend, confiding in us about her own feelings towards her children, encouraging us to share our deepest despair and anger towards our children, and offering therapeutic solutions that brings parents and children back into connection with one another. Bonnie normalizes the often-times unspoken feelings of anger and rage that parents experience towards their children and teaches how these trigger points can be turned into growth spurts for parents and children alike. The book is peppered with cognitive worksheets designed to flush out internal conflicts and to provide ways to change parenting standards, attitudes and behaviors. Her approach enlightens parents to see the subtleties of normative abuse and to lift the veil of unconscious parenting. Bonnie's philosophy, consistent with Attachment Parenting perspectives, encourages parents to respond empathically as well as to understand the emotional underpinnings of trigger points. Her most fundamental principle in parenting is that of the importance of connection and reducing empathic ruptures. Similar to Harville Hendricks, Bonnie writes with the view that parents can make changes in their own behavior and thinking that can dramatically reduce the tensions in most parenting situations. I especially like her encouragement of parents to do their own work towards resolving conflicts with their children. For parents who adhere to attachment parenting principles, who see their children as their teachers, and who view themselves as guides and not gods, this is the book for you.
Rating: 5
Summary: Valuable to parents and many other adults
Comment: This book has been such a gift to me as a parent, as well as to my work. As a parent, I saw many glimpses of myself in the examples. These scenarios really helped me think through what I am doing and why. The whole philosophy behind Bonnie's work is so amazing and so basic--that we have our own "stuff" that we bring to any relationship with a child (or adult...) and that this stuff affects how we react to that other person and their behaviors. Simple, but so powerful. In my work with adolescents, parents and teachers, I see how it is not only parents that are affected by their past experiences when it comes to dealing with kids. Teachers often seem to "have it in" for a particular student for what seems like no apparent reason, or at least not one that warrents the treatment that student gets. But I'm certain that if teachers were to use this same approach of looking at where their reactions are coming from, it could open the way to much healthier relationships between teachers and students. Bonnie's book should be on the "must read" list of anyone who interacts with children.
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