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Title: The Normal One: Life With a Difficult or Damaged Sibling by Jeanne Safer ISBN: 0-385-33756-6 Publisher: Delta Pub. Date: 30 September, 2003 Format: Paperback Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $12.95 |
Average Customer Rating: 3.1 (20 reviews)
Rating: 3
Summary: Interesting
Comment: This was a fascinating book. It sheds light on a family situation far too often ignored--the needs of the healthy sibling submerged in the all-engrossing task of taking care of a mentally ill or emotionally disordered sibling. It is true that a child who grows up in a such a family, whose needs and hopes and successes are never quite as important to his or her parents as the needs and small successes of the damaged child will feel the repercussions for the rest of his or her life.
I had only two problems with this book. First, it's not always like that. It would have been nice to have some functional family portraits, so that parents with both normal and disabled children can learn what works as well as what doesn't. In my own family, I have two normal brothers and a normal sister, all highly intelligent and successful. I am normal and in college. My other brother is emotionally disturbed and struggles both in school and in personal relationships. For a long time, my other siblings and I resented "what he had done to the family" but the fact is, he can't help it. And we have come to terms with his disorder, and even found him to be enjoyable if you are patient enough to sift through the layers of fear and anger. Frankly we have banded together as siblings over his illness, but it took time, and most of it was due to our parents, who balanced his needs against our perfectly understandable resentment, anger, and misunderstanding. They never rebuked us for how we felt, only explained to us the truth of my brother's problems, and were always available to talk to us when we needed to vent. My brother HAS a problem, he's not a problem. So I think if families were aware of what the normal one was thinking, they could help their normal children more, and help them to work through their resentment and guilt.
Second, I think the author should have finished her dealing with her own childhood to a degree before undertaking to write this book. I don't know whether she meant it to be objective, but it really wasn't. It read more like a catharsis than a study.
Overall, though, a long-overdue acknowledgement of the mental anguish of those whose siblings are damaged, disordered, or ill.
To all who still feel resentment toward their troubled siblings, please seek help. I hope you find a therapist who will listen to you. I'm not saying that to be mean or rude, I'm saying it because I see a lot of it in the reviews, and to resent someone only allows them to control you and prevents you from living your life fully. Good luck and God Bless!
Rating: 4
Summary: Psychology of siblings
Comment: I've met lots of people who felt detached from their siblings. One Army captain, assigned to the Military Police, told me he never sees his brothers because they're in jail or on welfare. A quiet librarian can't relate to his brother, an outgoing car salesman.
But this book is not about dealing with the merely dysfunctional sibling -- the sister who ran off and got pregnant and hits you up for money or the brother who disapproves of your lifestyle. This book deals with really serious mental illness in families. As the author claims, often family live centers on the damaged child, while the "normal" sibling gets ignored.
Safer's major contribution is to show the way sibling relationships pervade our lives, even unconsciously. A woman feels guilty when she experiences success, while her sibling begs in front of the church they used to attend as children. The siblings always exist in shadows. And Safer also tells us how little research has been conducted on sibling relationships. Even as a therapist, she had to carve her own path with few guidelines.
While I usually enjoy books with many narrative tales, I began to get a sense of repetition as I read this one. People felt guilty. They wondered how much they had to give. Often they felt relief when they gave up.
As other reviewers pointed out, Safer offers few stories of successful sibling relationships. Mothers write proudly of their experiences with disabled children. Read, for instance, Martha Beck's book, Expecting Adam. Perhaps some children look back with gratitude on their experiences of growing up with a disabled sibling. In the movie, There's Something About Mary, the heroine visits her disabled brother on a regular basis. Is that realistic?
Then again, a parent chooses to have a child, and parents have the maturity and experience to gain perspective.
A good book, which raises our awareness of a common concern that's poorly understood.
Rating: 4
Summary: I wish there were more books like this
Comment: This book fills a gap in the absence of texts relating to the relationship between mentally disabled and "normal" siblings. I have never seen any books besides this one that relates to my life with my highly disabled brother. Let me say that this book shows that relationships are not always happy or healthy or ones can ever be perfected. It openly demonstrates the anger, pain, shame or even ambivalence that families with MD people may feel. I personally felt that this book was cathartic, it allowed me to finally feel the anger and raw disdain that I have for my brother. I always felt guilty about it, and felt that I was the only person that had these feelings. Reading this book made me burst into tears because I finally had seen that other people had the same anger and confusion about their relatives that I feel. There is a habit for some people without MD people in their lives, to make them all good or happy with their families that rise to meet "challenges" they present. This is total fantasy in some cases and totally stereotypes our familial experiences Yes, there can be happy positive moments with MD people, but many times it produces a profoundly negative family life. I don't think that should be ignored or insulting the author because she admits that it's a reality.
If you have had a MD sibling and have seen the problems that it creates in your family, then you should read this book. It is an honest account of what some people feel and how it affects their lives.
Although this is an important and unique book, it does not present many viable options on how to resolve these conflicts. The book would have been much, much better if it would have had more resources to pull from. I hope that another book like this one can fill such a need. Also, it could have gone without the references to the Tempest, which didn't seem to add to the text.
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Title: Special Siblings: Growing Up With Someone with a Disability by Mary McHugh ISBN: 1557666075 Publisher: Brookes Publishing Company Pub. Date: 01 September, 2002 List Price(USD): $21.95 |
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Title: Mad House: Growing Up in the Shadow of Mentally Ill Siblings by Clea Simon ISBN: 0140274340 Publisher: Penguin Books Pub. Date: 01 May, 1998 List Price(USD): $14.00 |
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Title: Forgiving and Not Forgiving by Jeanne Safer ISBN: 0380794713 Publisher: Quill Pub. Date: 01 November, 2000 List Price(USD): $13.95 |
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Title: What About Me? Growing Up with a Developmentally Disabled Sibling by Bryna Siegel, Stuart Silverstein, Glen R. Elliott ISBN: 073820630X Publisher: Perseus Publishing Pub. Date: September, 2001 List Price(USD): $24.00 |
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Title: Sibshops: Workshops for Siblings of Children With Special Needs by Donald J. Meyer, Patricia F. Vadasy ISBN: 1557661693 Publisher: Brookes Publishing Company Pub. Date: 01 August, 1994 List Price(USD): $32.00 |
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