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Title: Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? and When Can I Get a Hamster?: A Guide to Parenting Through Divorce by Anthony E. Wolf ISBN: 0-374-52568-4 Publisher: Noonday Press Pub. Date: September, 1998 Format: Paperback Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $14.00 |
Average Customer Rating: 5 (2 reviews)
Rating: 5
Summary: A pediatrician's take
Comment: In my job as a pediatrician, I have given general counseling to families going through divorce and separation for several years, and thought that I was fairly savvy about handling these situation. However with my recent separation from my children's father, I have been shocked at how difficult even little decisions are about what to say or not say to the kids, leaving me almost paralyzed at times. This book has been a big help in laying out the issues and clarifying what is really in the kids' best interest, as opposed to the parents'. Realizing that the kids don't want or need or understand long-winded explanations makes it easier for me to talk to them about the situtaion; and being clear in my own mind on what is grown-up business vs kid business I'm hoping will help me to handle the next difficult months (and probably years) with more grace and integrity. It's an easy read with great cartoons too! Thanks, Dr. Wolf!
Rating: 5
Summary: Incredibly helpful
Comment: I believe that intuition is a solid guide for regular day-to-day parenting, but effectively parenting kids going through a divorce calls for some professional advice.
Dr. Wolf makes some excellent points that are counter-intuitive. One that hit home the most for me was what to do when a child going through a divorce comes to a parent with untrue accusations coming straight from the other parent. ("Mom said that you guys had agreed to save money to take us to Disney World but you went and spent the money on jewelry for your girlfriend.") The natural response is to set the child straight and explain that the other parent is just angry and not telling the truth. Dr. Wolf convinced me - and I was very reluctant to believe - that the best solution is to tell the child that such issues are between Mom and Dad only and refuse to discuss it. What a relief for the child to be taken out of the middle and not have to try to decide which parent to believe. I remember how hard loyalty conflicts were for me when my parents divorced - the kids don't want to know about their parents' spending habits in the marriage or mean little things they did or did not do to each other. Dr. Wolf helped me as a new stepparent understand that keeping kids out of the middle is just more important than making sure they know the whole truth. Better for your child to suspect you probably did whatever your ex accuses you of than to be placed in the middle of an adult conflict and be forced to choose between parents.
Dr. Wolf's sample situations are VERY realistic. Here is a man who has really listened to the way kids talk and the things they get worked up about. His suggestions, which cover many common post-divorce dilemmas, make a lot of sense, and are a great help to parents going through a very difficult, emotional time and having some trouble figuring out what is really best for the children. My husband and I got a lot out of this book.
I also highly recommend "Children of Divorce: a Developmental Approach to Residence and Visitation" and "Mom's House, Dad's House."
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