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Title: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft ISBN: 0-399-14844-2 Publisher: Putnam Pub Group Pub. Date: 26 September, 2002 Format: Hardcover Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $26.95 |
Average Customer Rating: 4.86 (28 reviews)
Rating: 5
Summary: Because he can!
Comment: When most women ask "why does he do that," they are searching for an answer that will help them to make an abusive relationship better. This book makes it very clear that the answer to the question has nothing to do with the abusive man's partner, and everything to do with a sick and destructive need for complete control over another human being.
I have read a number of books about abuse and control, and many of them are very good at deconstructing the dynamic between a controller and his victim. The difference for me is that many of those books have been by women who treat victims. This is a book by a man who has worked with batterers. I am not disparaging the work of women (and men) who work with victims--I was once one of them. What I am saying is that, as I read this, I felt a deep sense of validation, that the "other side" of the story, which many books get at through stories with victims, isn't something imagined or theorized. Controllers do know what they are doing. They understand that it hurts. They don't want to change. And I and other victims cannot change them. An outline of the specifics of abusive and controlling men makes it very clear that the "circle of influence" for women does not extend to the abuser. It may sound cliche to say you must save yourself, but after reading the many facets of abuse and the way they surface, a victim will understand will great clarity that her precious energy must be used to care for herself and her children. And pulling back that energy, for me, has been a critical step in surviving.
And for going through the family court system, if that is what a woman chooses to do. The other unique and invaluable aspect of this book is the way in which it pinpoints how the family court system--law enforcement, judges, lawywers, GALs--can and often does revisit the trauma of abuse on the victim by becoming triangulated with the offender. A woman who thinks she will find accountability in the family court system may be in for a big surprise. This book can prepare a woman for the reality of the process and help her anticipate what tactics her abuser may engage in. It is daunting, but had I had this book several years ago, my own experience might have been different.
This book is easy to read but I have underlining and notes on every page. Even after the fact it has helped me to understand my own situation better, and to give me hope for the life I can give my child. I recommend it strongly.
Rating: 5
Summary: Excellent, very informative
Comment: I absolutely love this book. It has helped me to see the truth about my relationship with my husband.
One of the things which I like most about this book is that it's written by a man. The author has worked with abusive men, and he knows what he's writing about. He's very straightforward. The included lists are very helpful--myths about abusers, abusive attitudes, warning signs, etc. The "safety plan" for leaving the abuser is particularly helpful. The steps which an abuser must take to actually change is also included.
This book is very good at describing what abuse IS. For example, grabbing, restraining, blocking your path, threatening physical harm (even if he doesn't actually carry out the threat) is physical abuse. These are all things which my husband has done. It is such a relief to know that someone has actually labelled these behaviors as abuse. (Although, at the same time, it's frightening to discover the awful truth, when I realize that my husband is, in fact, abusive.)
I recommend this book to all women who feel they are being abused. I also highly recommend it to therapists--I think it should be required reading for all of them.
Rating: 5
Summary: Best book to date on this topic
Comment: This is a remarkable book which dissolves the many myths both personal and social which surround abuse of women by men.
By identifying the ways in which victims are compromised and their self-worth and world presence eroded over time, Bancroft exposes the various means men use to control and debase women.
He has considerable experience of working with abusive men from all backgrounds, and insight into why traditional anger management or therapeutic methods do not work to stop men abusing women.
Anyone who has ever been victimised or witnessed another's helplessness at the hands of an abuser will recognise each page and scenario in this book, and cheer roundly that someone at last found the complete text of words to identify and confront this painful, complex issue.
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