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Title: Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex by Richard A. Warshak ISBN: 0-06-093457-3 Publisher: Regan Books Pub. Date: 01 March, 2003 Format: Paperback Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $13.95 |
Average Customer Rating: 4.94 (18 reviews)
Rating: 5
Summary: If you only read one book this year, make it this one
Comment: Divorce Poison If you only read one book this year, make it this one! "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshak bucks conventional wisdom to say nothing to your children in the face of the other parent's "Bad-Mouthing, Bashing, and Brainwashing" otherwise known as "Divorce Poison" or Parental Alienation Syndrom-PAS. "Most books for divorced parents admonish them not to place children in the middle of their conflicts. But they provide little guidancce on when it is appropriate to crititcize a parent to a child and when it is destructive." He discusses "the systematic process of psychological manipulation and how to help children resist and reverse its influence" in a practical hands-on way. He explains why reasoning and telling children outright that they are being brainwashed don't work.
He goes on to explain that there are varying degrees of alienation. That in most cases "does not sever the tie between parents and children, but it does taint the quality of their relationship. It creates unnecessary tension for the children and more conflict in their relationship with both parents. The tension and conflict may result in children who are more withdrawn and reluctant to discuss their thoughts and feelings, or children who have less respect for their parents' authority." I think he hit the nail right on the head with what MANY of us at SWC.COM are experiencing with that statement.
He doesn't claim to have all the anwers, he considers the book a "work in progess" based on the many years of insights and experiences in his practice. Although full of practical explanations and advice, he does caution the reader that "You have the best chance of success if you follow this advice under the guidance of a competent therapist who understands the problems of alienated children" and goes on to offer lists of resources and how to chose a therapist.
The only negative thing I can say about the book is that I thought in the beginning he listed more examples of cases where the PASing parent was the father instead of the BM. But half-way through the book, I was able to put that aside because the explanations and advice helped me make so much more sense out of my own situation. I thought he did an excellent job of explaining how to help your kid and not feel so helpless and frustrated. And for those extreme cases where salvaging the relationship with one's PAS'd children is just not possible, he talks about how to let go while leaving the door open to a future relationship.
Review by: - secondwivesclub.com
Rating: 5
Summary: The One Book on Divorce you Need to Read
Comment: If you should read one book on divorce and the impact on children, this is the one!
This outstanding book provides great advice for parents who are badmouthing other parents, as well as ways the target parents can combat this abuse. Unlike "experts" who have not researched the most effective ways of combatting this type of child abuse, Dr. Warshak has determined through studies that parents who do nothing and say nothing are at risk for eventually losing contact with their children.
Dr. Warshak carefully navigates the misconception that alienation is typically a "woman thing" by citing examples of fathers who alienate. In doing this, the author is able to assure readers that the book is indeed written "in the best interests of children," and not for any gender-based political agenda.
Dr. Warshak's outlook on children, parenting and custody is refreshing and should be required reading for every family court judge, every family law attorney and every person going through a divorce. The author argues very succinctly and very successful that the two parents who were so vital to the welfare and growth of the children during the marriage are just as vital after the divorce. He also illustrates how family courts and mental health experts remove children from the target parent at the first sign of alienation -- which is the exact opposite of what actually works in these cases.
Dr. Warshak argues that target parents need time to rebuild this relationship -- to show that they are not the parent depicted in the diatribes of the parent who is attempting to alienate. Instead, courts typically accept irrational reasons from a child for not wanting to see a parent without examining the root causes for the alienation.
Dr. Warshak carefully crafted a "how to" book for target parents, but, more importantly, he has helped all parents become better parents by encouraging them to examine their true motives for making negative statements about their former spouses. In doing so, this author has created a classic that must be read by anyone who truly cares about children and the impact that divorce has on them.
Rating: 5
Summary: Good Help Dealing With a Manipulative Ex
Comment: After reading this book, my only complaint was that it spoke to those with an income who can afford an attorney and one to several therapists. This may be okay for those with such an income, but for the rest of us, that option is not approachable.
typically, it is the mother who is granted full legal and physical custody, and it is the father who is left to pay child support and medical expenses. Few of us fathers have the financial resources to hire a good attorney, let alone a therapist.
The author does a good job of addressing the issue of alienation. Because visitation time is usually so limited, there is ample time for a vindictive ex, who spends the most amount of time with the children, to blatantly or subtly turn the children against the other parent. The author does a good job of giving the parent the skills to stop the process of alienation. This book is a must read.
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